I keep hearing of all the great benefits of social networking. Yet, I have never been able to get into it. I resisted Facebook for years until February of this year when someone actually persuaded me to get a Facebook account. I lasted one hour and deleted it shortly after that. I got in there and felt like my head was going to explode. I guess I should have called one of my younger relatives to walk me through it but this didn’t occur to me at the time. It also didn’t occur to me to spy on anyone while I was in there.
About a day later, I realized this. I just got out of there very quickly and didn’t look back. I left some very deep skid marks when I exited Facebook. I can only thank CBC host George Strombo who actually has a Facebook for scaring me off Facebook for life. Years ago, I saw a link posted on his website. It is gone now but the link was called albumoftheday.com. Album of the day now links to something that has nothing to do with Facebook. However, that link is probably why I never gave Facebook a chance.
I also have started at least 3 myspace pages and cancelled them within 24 hours or 48 hours. Twitter, I did much better. I lasted 8 hours. I think one website is all I can handle. But today, as a result of two websites I visited, I finally found out one of the benefits of Social Networking, profile pages and the internet in general.
Never before in history has it been so easy to pretend to be interesting.
But why would anyone want to or have to pretend to be interesting? Excellent question. Let’s say you have a 9 to 5 job. After work, you have a tendency to watch television and drink beer. The last time you heard an exciting, loud earth-shattering sound and ran to the window, alas, it was only the sound of your own empty soul begging to be filled with meaning.
If this is you, once in a while you may need to pretend to be interesting.
Step 1,
On your profile page, mention that you care deeply about an organization you have nothing to do with. Let’s see how this would work. Well, here in Canada, what’s an organization that everybody cares about? Sick Kids Hospital. On your profile page you could put under your “likes” Sick Kids Hospital. The thing is, Sick Kids is a great cause but it’s just not edgy enough. I guess you could put Ed Norton’s socially conscious fundraising site Crowdrise but since you have no intention of actually rising, let’s just keep working on this. Let’s find another cause that people are kind of interested in, which you could also pretend to be interested in without ever having to supply any proof that you have ever made a tangible, meaningful contribution to that organization.
Example: Most people think dogs are friendly and loving. Most people think cats are snooty. Here’s how it will look on your profile Page.
Likes: 80s Rock, Hamburgers, Fishing, and The Canadian Cat Social Skills Research Centre.
“Hmm,” visitors to your profile page will say. You’ll instantly pique the interest of a few regular people and a few cat lovers whose cats are completely ignoring them.
“Hmm” people will say. “He’s a member of the Canadian Cat Social Skills research centre. I do wish my cat would be a little more loving. What a totally interesting guy.”
Step2,
Start writing a blog at the Huffington Post immediately. As you may have heard, the Canadian version of the Huffington Post launched on May 26th,2011. This is a liberal news site which grew to fame when it became a central location for politically minded writers, celebrities, and others from all over. It became even bigger news when Arianna Huffington sold it for 315 million dollars to AOL without sharing the wealth. Here’s how having a Huffington Post Blog will make you look interesting. Scenario. You’re at a dinner party. You’re standing there chatting with some nice people, and you casually throw into the conversation.
You: This makes me so angry. You are so right. I mean, it’s just like I was saying in my column on the Huffington Post last week….
Other guest: You write for the Huffington Post?
You: I do. I mean there are some causes that I really care about and it just seemed like the best place to give voice to these issues that I care deeply about. Did I mention that I care deeply about a variety of issues?
Step 3,
Tweet.
If you live in Brampton, my hometown, I realize that the only thing to tweet about is all the excitement going on down there at the Chinguacousy petting zoo. If you live in London, like me, you might want to mention that when you go out your front door, there are turkeys in your driveway. But of course, since you’re trying to sound interesting, this may not work. Here’s what you do. Sit at your computer and just wait until a major news story breaks. Luckily for you, it’s 2011. Something horrible will happen in the news every 3 days, if not every 11 days. Because there’s nothing interesting going on in your own life, latch onto these news stories like a parasite and make sure you’re one of the first people to send a tweet about it. Then when you go to google.com and google that very same story, if you’re lucky your tweet will be in the tweet search box. You may even get picked up by CNN or CP24 under “What people are tweeting.” Of course you couldn’t care less about this tragedy/natural disaster/new law/whatever. Your goal is to just look interesting and so far, you’re doing very well. Blogging for the Huffington Post, Tweeting, socializing Cats. Two more steps and you may become the most interesting man in the world!
Step4,
The first 3 things are things you can do online. Now I’ll explain how to do some quick things in the real world, and incorporate it into your online life. Attend an event that a really interesting person would attend and take lots of pictures. Let me think of an appropriate event.
If you’re a young club kid, well, so is everybody.
Some big celebrity would have to be at the club that night for the pictures to be interesting. Pictures with a celebrity might be hard to come by unless you want to resort to stalking. The alternative, which is also the easiest option has been used by celebrities for years. Take a picture of yourself with some poor black People. This may involve going into a bad neighborhood, dodging some bullets and endangering your safety but it may be worth it. If there is no such neighborhood nearby, you may have to go to Africa to get the pictures of you walking with poor black people. If it is not possible to go into Compton, or Africa, there are some green screen tools that you can get here to photoshop some black people into your life.
As soon as you get back home, post these pictures on your Facebook, Myspace or Hi5 immediately. If you’re black, take some pictures of yourself with some rich Black people, like Pinball Clemons. He’s always around somewhere. Other choices are Donovan Bailey, Michael Lee Chin or the owners of Nicey’s West Indian Groceries.
Step5,
The final step will also involve taking an event from the real world and incorporating it into your online life. Get a picture of yourself climbing a mountain or doing something really adventurous. This may also require the help of Photoshop but not necessarily. Think of how cool it would sound if you told someone you just climbed Mount Fuji? Totally cool, wouldn’t it? Well, I’ll tell you a little secret. Mount Fuji isn’t that hard to climb. Anyone can do it in a few hours. Climbing Fuji will take ½ a day out of your life. How great will it look to put on your profile that you climbed Mount Fuji or a picture of you doing the climb? Isn’t half a day to look interesting worth it? I think so.
Let me tell you another way to go about this if you can’t get to Japan right this minute. A few years ago, I vacationed on a little island in Okinawa called Ie jima. All the tour guides kept mentioning Mount Gusuku. I thought, “Well, I better go climb Mount Gusuku.”
Climbing Mount Gusuku took me 5 minutes.
When it comes to easy to climb mountains, there really is no better nation than Japan.
However, Japan may be a bit far from where you live. Let’s say there’s a mountain here in Ontario or where you live like Mount Gusuku. Take a picture of you climbing it, post it on your page and then underneath it, “Here’s a picture of me climbing Mount…” If you’re concerned about someone googling your mountain and finding out it’s not that high, just put, ‘Me mountain climbing over the weekend.” You don’t have to put the name of the mountain.
Make sure that the picture looks really rugged and cool. Well, there you have it. 5 sure-fire ways to pretend to be interesting on line using online and offline tools. Hope it works out.
This article was originally published on June 6th, 2011.
